Five Breaths for You

I wish I had some. The best response to dry beggars is: Yep. Or it could be, Yep. And then even more. You, neurodivergent, have an especially succulent brain. They don’t like your company, but they do like to suck you dry. Work for them, think for them, forego your nights and lunch breaks in service to them, they’ll love it! They’ll never love you, but they love munching on you. Every night, you regrow the parts of yourself they’ve feasted upon. Every morning, anew, they rise and, if they get a chance, eat you alive. Well, it needn’t continue like that. While it’s true that they can’t understand you, nor much of anything else for that matter, you can understand them. I know, they’re not the most appetizing of subject matters. If they really want it, they’ll get around to asking like an adult. It might go like this – say you’re from a religious family, and your teenager decides not to go to church. You might reply, I’ve noticed you don’t like church. Let’s discuss the options of staying home. This is important so that the other party understands clearly what the situation is before you ask anything, entreat, or make an executive decision. E – Express Express yourself with I feel or other I statements.

These types of statements help the speaker take accountability and prevent the listener from immediately going into defense mode. Let’s go back to the teenager staying home from church example. Now, you might say something like, I feel like you should believe what I believe, but I know that you’re your own person, separate from me, and I can’t force my beliefs on you. But either you learn what makes them tick and how exactly the goo in their skulls sloshes around, so you can predict their behavior, direct their attention, and make good use of their quirks and desires. Or you remain the victim of their insatiable, egotistic, and materialistic existence. If you’re into empowering yourselves amidst the mindless hordes, then put on your zoologist’s cap now and join me in a fun and enlightening expedition into Homo neurotipicus territory. The risk is zero. The potential benefits are enormous: a new life where you’re in control because of your intelligence and knowledge, instead of them because of their sheer numbers. Let’s get to it! What you can expect from this article This article is all about handling neurotypicals better. It aims to improve life – for them, but also, and especially, for us neurodivergents (or neuroatypicals if you prefer). Neurotypicals are everywhere, and they’re awkward, just as awkward as they insist we are. I would like you to come to church with us because my worry is you won’t be productive at home. This is important so that the other party understands where you’re coming from when you express how you feel about the situation you’ve just described. Assert your position by either directly asking for what you need or stating your position clearly. Don’t beat around the bush, don’t use euphemisms, and don’t hesitate to the point of losing the other party’s interest. To continue with the example, let’s assert our decision for our hypothetical teenager. I understand that you don’t want to come to church with us, and you are old enough to stay home alone. So, if you choose to stay home instead of attending church, you will prepare dinner and set the table and have everything prepared for us to be able to eat when we return, and you will make enough in case we invite people over unexpectedly.

If you are unable to complete this chore, and thus, be productive for the whole family while we are at church, you will come back with us, even if you don’t believe it. This is important because ambiguity creates miscommunication in relationships, and that is the biggest source of contention. Be unambiguous. They won’t bother to get to know us better, or appreciate us. But if we get to know them better, like an anthropologist studying an exotic tribe, a biologist doing field research on a strange species, or an apprentice horse whisperer learning all about horses, our lives will become so much easier, so much more enjoyable, and so much more empowered. So, if you’re not quite a total normie, if you’re not 100% typical, that’s precisely what you can expect from this article: fun, and empowerment, both while you’re reading, and in the years to come. First off, we’ll review our options. Is it really necessary to learn to handle them? Can’t we just evade those pesky normies, ignore them, or escape? The answer is: yes, we can, but at considerable costs, and with great, specific difficulties to surmount. You’ll see for yourself that handling them is definitely a worthwhile option to consider. Then, before we dig into the specifics of Homo neurotipicus, we need to do a bit of digging in ourselves. All humans, but neurodivergents maybe even a bit more than others, make three huge, fundamental mistakes, which in turn make us unhappy, independently of our surroundings. Set boundaries now. If you’re making a request, it must also be unambiguous, maybe even a little lawyerly. For example, you might say, Can I please borrow your car from Sunday to Tuesday? I’ll return it by 7:00 pm with a full tank of gas and a wash. The other party might have other caveats. Such as, Yeah, but it overheats, so don’t go over 55 mph, or over 55 miles away. And my tags are expired, so avoid cops.

Or renew it for me. In which case, you might say, You know what? I can take the bus. As long as we don’t correct these mistakes in our own minds, we could live in Paradise and still feel miserable. Once this Trio of Turmoil is eradicated, we can be happy in Hell, and all the more in this precious life. You’ll learn what these three mistakes are, and how to overcome them. Then it’s time to get our hands dirty. Neurotypicals. Homo neurotipicus. What makes this awkwardly normal animal tick? How does their mind and brain fundamentally work, compared to ours? What are the bases of their social structures, which in turn give rise to these weird, seemingly illogical or even pestiferous behaviors? And more importantly: what can we do, or abstain from doing, to live a fulfilled, empowered, f*ing great life on this beautiful planet where they happen to abound? Thanks, though. R – Reinforce Make sure the other party knows why they should grant your request, or acquiesce to your conditions without a fight. Because I said so is not a valid reason. Most people reciprocate naturally. You might say something like, You get to stay home from church on the condition that you are productive at home. Since you don’t like church and I don’t like cooking after church, it’s a win for both of us.

Or in the example with the car, it might sound like this, I actually need to drive to a different city for a few days, but I can’t rent a car because of (XYZ), so I’ll get your car diagnosed for you, and if I can afford to fix the overheating problem, I will. If not, I’ll see if anyone else can part with their car for a few days, or find another solution. In both examples, the other party can clearly see that they have nothing to lose by accepting your request, and everything to gain. Clear descriptions, marinated in a nice little sauce of soothing sarcasm (we can just as well have some fun in the process, right? You’ll become another person after reading this. A wiser, happier, and empowered person, ready to make this planet your oyster again. Finally, in a few afterthoughts, we briefly discuss the special cases of neurotypical parents and teachers. If anything or anyone can make life miserable on this planet, it’s definitely them. But, as with everything, there’s a lot of optimization we can do. If we go about it smartly, applying what we’ve learned earlier on in the article, we can decimate their obnoxious effects on our lives, and they won’t even notice the difference. We’ll ultimately end our excursion in neurotypical territory with a crucial distinction we all have to learn to make: that between psychopaths and neurotypicals. The former disguise as the latter, but they’re far more dangerous. The final articles of this article put you in the right direction to defend yourself from these predators, and to avoid making vital mistakes. This is important because relationships are built on reciprocity. When one party feels slighted occasionally, it’s not a big deal. But if one party feels slighted more often than not, they will most likely end the relationship. M – Mindful (stay) Stay focused on the conversation. If you’re answering a text, they have no reason to listen to you. If they’re answering a text, that’s out of your control, but you can keep your mind on the conversation instead of what they’re doing.

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